segunda-feira, 13 de setembro de 2010
I'm in a state right now. It's a good state, would you believe it? I don't know, I just suppose it's blissful. Joyous, even. The vitamin C coursing through my veins right now has given me a natural energy high, but I just want to sit in peace, curl up and be warm, and wholesome and complete. I'm feeling so alive, new, like a naked babe in the summer-time. It's strengthening. I find myself smiling more, grinning, laughing, being completely and utterly ridiculous, living, breathing, and actually enjoying my life. The removal of the bad from my life has left me to see things in their entirety. Through rose colored glasses, little by little, in the glass that is half full of possibility. I'm just smiling writing this with a glint of a tear in my eye, because I know that this moment in my life will not last forever, and yet this warms my heart, because while I know it won't last for eternity, this moment will go with me for the rest of my life. No matter how long that may be, where I am today, tomorrow and even the next day is shaping me, bending, breaking me down. I'm shedding off my skin, leaving the old carcass alone, and polishing off my new skin for the world to see. You see, I'm happy, and I'm still and I no longer feel alone. Nothing is hurting me, and I'm not overwhelmed with the urge to cry, or scream or tell a false-truth so not to hurt the hearts of those I am trying hard to care about. I have simply alleviated myself from the problem, not only becoming stronger, wiser; but becoming happier. A funny thing happened to me today in class. Not only was I overcome with really strong emotions and passion at the poems my teacher had written, but I was overwhelmed with a want to do more. To be more, to not live existentially within another persona, but to in fact use the perfectly decent body I have, and to explore, to be real, to make mistakes and notice every little nook and cranny of this beautiful revolving world around me. Not to ignore the simple, but to attempt to appreciate the beauty in every thing, living or dying. It was this epiphany that caused me to grin, fighting back a small tear gathered in my eye, to metaphorically throw all of my insecurities out the window, and to find this ... zen. I am so at peace with myself and the world, and I don't know why, but my Lord it feels wonderful. I no longer feel caught up with trials and tribulations of such petty origins, instead I feel calm and almost like a feather, floating through a cascading waterfall, slowly and gracefully. While I lack the grace of this metaphor, I am trying to bring the softness of a feather to my everything, while keeping the intensity that the beauty behind the feather has. I'm a bit of a mess, of course, but who isn't ? I suppose that it is my heart that is swelling, and my mind that is causing a hormonal reaction, which makes the edges of my mouth and eyes prick up with glee. I don't know what has come over me, I just know that I want to remember how and what I have done here, and to use it whenever I feel like imploding.