Being a teenager is vastly overrated. We all make mistakes, we are stubborn and we couldn’t give two shits what our parents think, we hate school, we cause shit, we fight, we love, we cry, we give up on believing in a higher power. We’re all fucked up and thats the truth, we all come from dysfunctional families, because no family is perfect; we say things that we don’t mean, we yell, we scream, we get broken hearts, we get drunk, we have sex. Grades don’t mean a thing anymore, we live on quotes and music that describe our lives and most importantly we are tired. We are tired of waking up each morning and having to go to school where we see the people we hate or the people we love, we get tired of waiting for the text message that’s not going to come and we get tired of pretending we’re fine.

I'm in a state right now. It's a good state, would you believe it? I don't know, I just suppose it's blissful. Joyous, even. The vitamin C coursing through my veins right now has given me a natural energy high, but I just want to sit in peace, curl up and be warm, and wholesome and complete. I'm feeling so alive, new, like a naked babe in the summer-time. It's strengthening. I find myself smiling more, grinning, laughing, being completely and utterly ridiculous, living, breathing, and actually enjoying my life. The removal of the bad from my life has left me to see things in their entirety. Through rose colored glasses, little by little, in the glass that is half full of possibility. I'm just smiling writing this with a glint of a tear in my eye, because I know that this moment in my life will not last forever, and yet this warms my heart, because while I know it won't last for eternity, this moment will go with me for the rest of my life. No matter how long that may be, where I am today, tomorrow and even the next day is shaping me, bending, breaking me down. I'm shedding off my skin, leaving the old carcass alone, and polishing off my new skin for the world to see. You see, I'm happy, and I'm still and I no longer feel alone. Nothing is hurting me, and I'm not overwhelmed with the urge to cry, or scream or tell a false-truth so not to hurt the hearts of those I am trying hard to care about. I have simply alleviated myself from the problem, not only becoming stronger, wiser; but becoming happier. A funny thing happened to me today in class. Not only was I overcome with really strong emotions and passion at the poems my teacher had written, but I was overwhelmed with a want to do more. To be more, to not live existentially within another persona, but to in fact use the perfectly decent body I have, and to explore, to be real, to make mistakes and notice every little nook and cranny of this beautiful revolving world around me. Not to ignore the simple, but to attempt to appreciate the beauty in every thing, living or dying. It was this epiphany that caused me to grin, fighting back a small tear gathered in my eye, to metaphorically throw all of my insecurities out the window, and to find this ... zen. I am so at peace with myself and the world, and I don't know why, but my Lord it feels wonderful. I no longer feel caught up with trials and tribulations of such petty origins, instead I feel calm and almost like a feather, floating through a cascading waterfall, slowly and gracefully. While I lack the grace of this metaphor, I am trying to bring the softness of a feather to my everything, while keeping the intensity that the beauty behind the feather has. I'm a bit of a mess, of course, but who isn't ? I suppose that it is my heart that is swelling, and my mind that is causing a hormonal reaction, which makes the edges of my mouth and eyes prick up with glee. I don't know what has come over me, I just know that I want to remember how and what I have done here, and to use it whenever I feel like imploding.

F*CK
all I need is U

Sinto que estou fazendo tudo errado. Só vejo erros e mais erros na minha vida. Sabe o que é tentar acertar, mas nunca conseguir ? Sei que é errando que se aprende, mas não sei o que eu estou aprendendo com tudo isso. Sinceramente, estou farta disso. Estou realmente cansada de tentar preencher as expectativas de todo mundo. Estou cansada de me dizerem o que eu tenho que fazer, estou cansada de ter que passar por cima de tantos boatos sobre mim, estou cansada de ser julgada por pessoas com pensamentos tão medíocres e infantis. Porque tudo é tão difícil assim? Porque tudo não poderia ser mais simples ? Deveria ser mais simples... mas não sou perfeita e estou muito longe de ser.

Sabe, as vezes eu começo a pensar, eu queria ter alguém para quem escrever. Alguém que goste de olhar as estrelas comigo, que passe uma tarde toda ao meu lado apenas conversando, sobre todo e qualquer assunto que possa existir no mundo. Alguém que entenda que se eu sou fria ás vezes não quer dizer que dentro de mim não exista amor, pelo contrário, existe sim, mais do que todas as pessoas possam imaginar. Alguém que me ouça, que dê risada comigo, que chore comigo ás vezes, caso for necessário, que brigue comigo, quando eu tiver errada. Alguém que tire inúmeras fotos comigo, apenas para eternizar os nossos momentos, alguém que tenha o poder de me levar a outros lugares, sem se quer sair daqui. É, eu quero ter alguém, quero muito. O problema é que esse alguém não existe ou simplesmente está distante dos meus olhos. E enquanto eu não acho, eu continuo a olhar fotos, fotos que me fazem querer ainda mais o que parece estar tão longe do meu alcance.

Life is funny sometimes; you lose touch with things that once were the very reason for your existence. You sing, you dance, you cry with them, and then all of a sudden, they're gone. No longer a part of your life. Then, you move on and do the same things with the next person. It's a never ending line, with each dismissal the word 'Next!' is called, and the line progresses, each person moves up a spot in line to be in your life. People step up to the plate, become your world, and just as quickly leave it. I like to call those people fillers. They can be friends, lovers, real relationships. Regardless, they never stick around long enough to mean anything. If you learn to step out of the devastation that their exit may cause you, you see that the impact they had on your life is next to none. Then, you might find yourself stumbling, falling into a downward spiral, when all of a sudden, your body hits something. You find that person that catches you when you're falling, gets you through tears at three in the morning, completely abandons homework and assessments to be with you, and the one that never stops making fun of you just so they can make you smile. That one person who has always been there, never once abandoning you or leaving your side. You might fight, but it's always for each others best interests and because you care entirely too much to not argue for their happiness. At the end of the day, you want to spend your eternity with them by your side, and you smile to yourself whenever you imagine the prospect of your future. These people? I have really only met a few people like this. I can't fathom not having them in my life, when being away from them for a day makes me miss them. I call these people real friends. You makes jokes with these friends about being friends forever, or about getting married or living together one day, but you never realize that that's exactly what you want until it hits you that it could actually happen. The reassuring fact of the matter is, if you know you have them forever, you know that it really can happen, and if it doesn't-you still have them. Mind, spirit. But most importantly, heart.

Eu tenho pensado se o que eu tenho feito ultimamente é o correto. Eu tenho agido sem me preocupar com as consequências, sem pensar no meu futuro, sem ver no que essas escolhas certas ou erradas vão dar. Mas de uma coisa eu sei e estou certa disso: Eu estou feliz, isso é o que importa. Isso e nada mais.